[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
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Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity