I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
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Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
A short story about romance.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.