Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
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Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Not all heroes wear capes.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
beware of dog
(jukin media)
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*