ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
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This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.