Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
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Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
The only equipped I am is ill.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.