“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
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I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
This is why I hate group projects
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.