I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
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“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch