“Sheer Arrogance”
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If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
bias laundering edition
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.