me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
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My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you