Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
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I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
mom had nothing to worry about
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.