From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
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I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest