Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
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If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups