OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
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You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
January has been Januweary