Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
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The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
TODAY
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”