*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
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Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Lmfaoooooo
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew