I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
You Might Also Like
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead