GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
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You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Happy Thanksgiving
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now