wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
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Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
it is time once again
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?