Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
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cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”