50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
me logging onto twitter
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
the answer was staring at me all along
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood