Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
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Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
The fall of Netflix
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
*limbos away from your hug*
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house