*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
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When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.