GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
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ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Guilty! 🤪
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
When I laugh on my period
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.