Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
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OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
need him
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I have never related to a cat more
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Flock of bats
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging