I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
You Might Also Like
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Only a mother’s love …
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.