A classic example of a cat being a cat.
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Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.