Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
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I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed