I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
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Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.