Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
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*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
a god among men
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.