Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
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My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.