Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
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*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
My Sentiments Exactly
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME