Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
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Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.