My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
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Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
The news in a nutshell.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.