The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
You Might Also Like
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Natty or not?
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.