If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
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Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.