People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
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Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
The struggle is real.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know