[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
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me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
A tanning bed that turns you over like a rotisserie chicken.
Where are you going, sharks? I’m not done.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud