[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
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There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.