If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
You Might Also Like
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.