“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
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Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad