Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
You Might Also Like
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work