The dark side of Canada
You Might Also Like
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!