Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
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i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
i wish i could marry a nap
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
*checks Timeline*…
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥