i think both sides are to blame here
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I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
relationship goals
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.