she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
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I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
“our sushi is very fresh”
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
2022 will be better than 2021
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
everyone’s a critic
Not all heroes wear capes…
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
he’s doing your taxes
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.