*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
You Might Also Like
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed