[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
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You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.