I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
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After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I was bored.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*