“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
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Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything