for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
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Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?